Whispers and screams
by Nival Vixen
Summary: COMPLETE! Hidden in the depths of Serenity, River listens as the whispers of those long gone tell her to become someone else. The screaming thoughts of those alive help her do as the whispers say. Set after Firefly and before Serenity.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Firefly or Serenity.

(a/n: this is set after Firefly, and before Serenity. It is all from River's point of view.)

...

She can hear the whispers, even now, hidden away in the walls of Serenity. The whispers of memories from the metal surrounding her, the whispers from people long gone. All of them crowding in her head with the whispers of those alive and present. Although, they aren't exactly whispers. Screaming, more like. All of them screaming their thoughts, unable to keep to a whisper, not like those who are dead or gone. Even Book and Inara's thoughts are mere whispers now. It's been over a year since they were on the ship Serenity last.

_If you can't be yourself, be someone else_. It is a whisper that she hears more and more often. She wonders if she hears it because she's always hidden in this spot, or if it's actually her mind thinking on it. She'd like to think both. Seems a tad normal that way, not so _feng le_.

Simon's too easy. He has three distinct screams in her head. Love for her, worry for her, love for Kaylee. He doesn't admit the third, but it's there and at times, it almost drowns out his other screams. She doesn't want to be a worrier, ulcer in the stomach, pain in the brain, too much emotion for so little in return. She cannot love Kaylee in the same way, doesn't want to anyway. She is her _jie jie_, not her _bao bei_. So she will guide her own sisterly love by the love he has shown for her. She will protect Simon as he has protected her, she will give up everything in her life for him. As simple as that, she knows she will.

Kaylee's happiness is too hard to duplicate, too odd on her body anyway, her face unable to keep the happiness for that long. She would implode if she had that much happiness at one time. Doesn't know how Kaylee can stand it. So happy, especially when looking at Simon. (But that's another thing she doesn't want, doesn't need.) She knows that her own body would reject the smiles and pleasantry, but Kaylee's strength and optimism can be utilised. She knows she can be optimistic. She hasn't told them that they're all going to die yet, has she?

Jayne has killer instincts, running on gut feelings, not allowed to be used for they will think her _feng le_ and keep her locked up, needles and pain and a bullet in the brain pan - _squish_! - so she will use his ability to see things clearly. Always black and white for the man-named-Jayne, the grey is there but it isn't noticed if it doesn't have to be. Most times it don't have to be. Yes, she can keep her eyes open and see things for what they are. A stick is a stick, not a gun.

She wonders about Wash, about his playing with dinosaurs, and wonders how she's considered _feng le_ and he isn't. But it's all black and white now. Wash don't go about shooting people or slicing them up with knives. He plays with his toys, figures of the long extinct animals from Earth That Was, and he keeps Serenity in the air. She can't take his ability to fly, that's his and his alone. Maybe some other time, she'll be able to learn from him when his shouts are only whispers in her mind. From Wash, she will borrow his ability to see past stone and love it for what it is, for what it was, for everything it has yet to be. She won't take all of it, that would be wrong, and she couldn't possibly fake that for so long. But she can use it to see past the fear in their eyes when they look at her, the erratic sounds of their hearts when she steps too silently or too close too suddenly, she can use it to see past the pity in their voices when they think she can't hear. Yes, she thinks that she can do that...

Zoe also has this sort of love, but she cannot borrow more of the same thing. Zoe's silent way of killing is useless as well - too many ways to kill in her brain already and while Zoe's may have been effective in times of war, there are more ... _efficient_ ways for it to be done now. But she's listening to their screams to stop thinking like this, so she must stop, and think of Zoe's mind to glean something useful for her. Loyalty. There it is, in big shiny letters. So bright it almost hurts, but it's not as big or bright as her love - despite what Wash thinks about the third person in their marriage, Cap'n is a different thing all together - and her loyalty is not only to her Cap'n, to her Sergeant, to the leader of the Battle of Serenity, when the killing started happening and the sky rained fire and their hope was lost, and ... She knows that she has to get away from this thought quickly. Takes a steadying breath to calm herself. Promises not to go into Zoe's mind for a while. But her loyalty, she can use that. It fits her well, able to mould herself to the situation, to the people around her. She can be loyal to them, even if the blue hands (_two by two_, another whisper) catch her, she will not tell. The needles, the pain, through it all, she will still be loyal and never tell.

Mal - Cap'n Daddy - another one who screams. Thinks he whispers, but his screams are buried beneath and louder than ever when he tries to keep them quiet. He has so many qualities - not all of them suitable for her - and it's hard to pick through his screams to get to what she could borrow. Misguided sense of honour, his way of being an absolute boob around Inara, way he stirs up trouble just to get in a fight - none of it can be applied successfully. There, maybe something deeper? Under the whispers, the buried screams, there's something there. Tiny, a tiny little light all but forgotten by it's owner. Hope. He lost it in the Battle of Serenity, but he only thought he'd lost it. It's still there, just so small and tiny and if he loses any more of it, it will definitely be gone forever, and then Cap'n Daddy knows he'd be no more than a Reaver in nicer clothes. So she will not borrow his hope, he can't afford to lose it. Another light, a bit bigger, right next to it. Faith. _Faith in what_? she wonders, quizzically. Can't be the One God that Book always talks about - hates him, knows that he doesn't believe in him, can't believe in something that don't believe in him back. Too pretty to die. No, bad thoughts. Bad screams, all of them filling her brain... Concentrates, gets her breathing under control once more. His faith is an acceptable size - other screams laced with it, though he doesn't know - so she can borrow from it, a little only. She will take his faith in ... humanity, mayhap? His crew? Something, anything, doesn't matter, she can build her own faith herself ... she will take a bit and she will use it as she sees fit. _Perhaps she can have faith in herself_? Yes, she likes the sound of that.

So, she will borrow, take a bit of their own selves so that she can be someone else, but still the same. A girl on the outside, a weapon on the inside, emotions and feelings swirling in between. But she will choose what she becomes, because ultimately, that is what all the whispers and screams are about. _Make yourself into whatever you can with whatever you've been given_. Or in her case, borrowed for the time.

...

_Feng le_ - insane.  
><em>Bao Bei<em> - baby.  
><em>Jie jie<em> - big sister.

...

The end.

Thank you for reading. I hope you liked it!

...


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